Normally, my Sex at Our Age column presents one detailed reader question and my detailed answer.
Occasionally I switch it up to give you “Quickies”: a few short questions and answers. These are always popular with readers, so here’s another round!
Husband Watches Porn Secretly
Q #1: I caught my 62-year-old husband watching porn and masturbating. I felt shocked and a little sick. Is this normal?
We watch porn together, but his doing it in secret didn’t feel right. I can’t get it out of my head. He says he is sorry he hurt me, and he doesn’t do it often.
He just felt horny and wanted a quick release. Hope you can give me some advice.
A: It is normal and common to masturbate to porn, even with a vibrant sex life with a desired partner.
Your husband explained that sometimes he wants a quick release – that’s not cheating on you or disparaging the intimacy you share.
Instead of trying to stop him, try asking him nonjudgmentally what he enjoys about solo pleasuring to porn.
He may be indulging a private fantasy, enjoying visual stimulation with scenes you wouldn’t enjoy as much as he does, or just getting a quick, private orgasm.
Your reaction is a common one, but I hope you’ll re-examine it and see that it does not need to reflect on or impact your relationship.
For more, read “Do People in Couples Have the Right to Masturbate?” by Michael Castleman.
Faking Orgasms, Now Can’t Get There
Q #2: I’m a 60-year-old woman. I have been faking orgasms with my partner of eight months throughout our relationship. I can barely reach an orgasm anymore.
What can I do?
A: The first thing to do is stop faking orgasms! By faking, you’re teaching your partner – who wants to please you – to do what doesn’t work.
That’s unfair to your lover as well as to yourself, and it guarantees that you won’t have orgasms.
Admit to your partner that you have difficulty reaching orgasm, and you’d like to explore new ways to be pleasured. Demonstrate what you do when you self-pleasure.
(If you don’t self-pleasure, start! You can’t communicate what you like if you don’t know what that is.)
Plan goal-free sensual sessions with your partner to discover how you like to be touched, kissed, stimulated. Incorporate a vibrator.
Give feedback about what feels good. Redirect your partner if you’d like something different. Honesty and communication are the keys to good sex.
Alone, and Who’d Want Me?
Q #3: I’m a male, 69, and I still have a sex drive. I haven’t been with a woman for over 20 years. That’s not by choice.
I would like to meet someone, but it seems impossible at my age. I know I’m not sexually attractive anymore, and I don’t have much to offer.
Maybe I should just throw in the towel. Is there medication available to kill the sex drive?
A: There are plenty of single, sexy women of your age out there. I hear from late-in-life couples all the time who met after they thought their chances were over.
You sound depressed, though, and a therapist or psychiatrist can help you.
If you think you’re unattractive and sexually undesirable with nothing to offer a partner, you’ll give off those “vibes” when you do meet available women.
I’m not going to advise medication to kill your sex drive, but I do advise counseling to understand and change how you see yourself.
Please do the work on yourself, guided by a professional, for a chance at the happiness you deserve.
Meanwhile, although I know you’d prefer a partner, give yourself the gift of satisfying orgasms with your own hand and perhaps a sex toy specifically made for male pleasure.
No Sex for Three Years
Q #4: I am 63 and haven’t had sex for three years. My husband has had erectile disfunction for ten years.
We used to engage in oral sex, but now we don’t even do that. I used to love sex when I was younger, but now I couldn’t care less. Is there hope for me?
A: You say you don’t care about sex now, but in the next sentence, you ask if there’s hope.
I can only guess at what you don’t tell me, but I have a hunch that communication is the issue in your relationship as much as the lack of sex.
Does your husband know how much you enjoyed oral sex with him, and that you’d like to revitalize that part of your intimacy?
Do the two of you know that a rich, joyful sexual relationship does not depend on erections?
By not caring any more, do you mean that you don’t feel spontaneous desire? Do you know about responsive desire?
I know I’m giving you more questions than answers, but these are important to ask yourself and each other.
I recommend my webinars “Great Sex Without Penetration” and “7 Steps to Reclaiming Your Sexual Pleasure” to guide you through the steps to recapturing a sexual connection.
Send Joan your questions by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org. All information is confidential. Joan can only answer questions that are chosen for publication from readers age 60+
Joan Price is the author of several self-help books about senior sex including her newest, “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved,” and the award-winning “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.” Visit Joan’s website and blog and her Facebook page. For senior sex news and tips, subscribe to Joan’s free newsletter.
If you tried to contact Joan and your email didn’t go through, we’ve solved the problem! Please try again.